Navy always Navy
Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the
First Minister?s chauffeur
driven car. Suddenly
a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full
the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the
chauffeur, "You get out and
check - you were
driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and
the animal is dead.
were driving, go and tell the farmer," says
Nicola, ?Ican?t afford to be
anything.? The chauffeur walks up the drive to the
returns five hours later totally
plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big
on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to
you?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies :
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best
of single malt whisky, the wife gave me
a slap-up meal and the daughter made
"What on earth did you say to them?" asks
"I knocked on the door and when it was
answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola
chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'?
IF YOU CANT FIND THE BOOK YOUR LOOKING FOR
Your probably looking in the......
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one
arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
next crap could spell disaster.
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up
this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and
farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for
making a home video last night and all I did was suggest
we should hold auditions for her part.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens
"Nationality?" asks the immigration
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a
Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his
teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and
the missus were going to commit suicide together
Strangely enough, however, once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something
I got downstairs and found the wife face
down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night
and noticed a Burglar sneaking through next door's
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and
smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him
He then began to dig a grave with the
Astonished, I got back into bed.
said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser
next door has still got my bloody shovel."
While stitching a cut on the hand of
a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while
working cattle, the doctor struck up
about a recent election.
Eventually the topic got around to
politicians and their role as our
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see
it, most politicians are 'Post
Not being familiar
with the term, the doctor asked him
what a 'post tortoise' was.
old farmer said, "When you're
driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a
tortoise balanced on top, that's a
The old farmer
saw the puzzled look on the doctor's
face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn't get up there by
himself, he doesn't belong up there,
doesn't know what to do while he's
up there, he's elevated beyond his
ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of dumb arse put
him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician
I've ever heard.
When Charles De Gaulle
decided to retire from
public life the British
ambassador and his wife
threw a gala dinner
party in his honour.
At the dinner table the
Ambassador's wife was
talking with Madame De
"Your husband has been
such a prominent public
figure, such a presence
on the French and
International scene for
so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in
comparison. What are you
most looking forward to
in these retirement
"A penis," replied
Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell
over the table.
Everyone heard her
answer... and no one
knew what to say
Le Grand Charles De
Gaulle leaned over
to his wife and
"Ma cherie, I
believe zat ze
zat word - appiness
Life in the
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and
of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town,
west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big
brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than
workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta
bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots
and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves
to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta
shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
water and even a light to see what ya doing!
brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You
don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the
city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill
in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me
brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big
as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not
firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big
scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka
last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't
even load your own cartridges, they comes in little
boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the
rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug
and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at
once like we do at home after the muster.
out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the
best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by
this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and
15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and
as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me
off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the
Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets
around how bloody good it is.
nice, calm and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked
the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said, "I
The pharmacist asked, "Why in
the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to
poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big
and he exclaimed, "Lord have
can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband, that's against the
I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All
bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the
picture and said, "You didn't
tell me you
Why Condoms Come In Boxes of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy
asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes,
I've heard of that in health class at school."
The boy looks over the display, picks up a package
of three and asks, "Why are there three in this
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys:
one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy. Then he notices a
six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for university students," the dad
answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday
and two for Sunday.”
"WOW!" exclaims the boy. "Then who uses
these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies,
"Those are for married men… one for January, one for
February, one for March...”
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