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Once Navy always Navy

Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister?s chauffeur
driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.  

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and
check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that
the animal is dead.

"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ?Ican?t afford to be
blamed for anything.? The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and
returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big
grin on his face.

"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made
love to me."
"What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola
Sturgeon?s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'?


Your probably looking in the......

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation about a recent election.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he

doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.


When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next

Le Grand Charles De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe zat ze English pronounce zat word - appiness

Life in the Australian Army ...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of  Queensland) 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya
  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,



A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like

to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you

had a prescription.

Why Condoms Come In Boxes of 3, 6 and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.  Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy.  Then he notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

"WOW!" exclaims the boy.  "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men… one for January, one for February, one for March...”


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